My friends, they love my intelligence
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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