My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
