People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
