My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Be still, my beating vagina.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
