Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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