you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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