in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize