I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She bit a glass in half.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
