I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
