I am midnight drunk by noon
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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