I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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