I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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