Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
