How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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