why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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