I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
