upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
