I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
