Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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