Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
