I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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