officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
