dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
