just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
