I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
