I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
