Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
