Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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