rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is my gift to your gina
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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