I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
