I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
