guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize