I cannot find my penis.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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