I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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