mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
