after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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