I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
being pregnant is like rehab
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Randomize
