I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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