I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
