I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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