I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
