Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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