Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
