mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He passed out mid-signature
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
