I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
