He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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