Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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