3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it glows. i had to have it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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