dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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