Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
