I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
