totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
