If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
