i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
