If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
