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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize