Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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