Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
