we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
