I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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