I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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