you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
