wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
