I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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