So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
