That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
