I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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