she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize