he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
