Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she peed on how many people?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
