dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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