Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
