We're facebook friends in real life
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
