My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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