I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
