So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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